Memories
by HigherGround2
Summary: JJ is trying to deal and move on with what she and her family endured that day but she's having trouble. Flashbacks and memories are clouding her mind. Will she get over it or will it plague her mind forever? Spoilers for 7x23/24. Hit/Run.
1. Three Weeks After

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or it's characters. The only thing I own is the story, everything else belongs to CBS and Erica Messer and whoever else in the higher up offices.**

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JJ couldn't sleep. It had been three weeks since that day. That day that her husband had been shot. That she almost lost him and her son. Then they got married and they went on their honeymoon. Tonight is the first night that she has slept in her room since that day. She looks to her bedside clock. 4:48 a.m. She knows she won't be able to fall asleep tonight. She doesn't start work for another week. Rolling out of bed she walks down the hallway. A flashback appears for her.

_I grab ahold of this unsub's wrist. My hands moving on their own accord. I empty the clip and open the chamber and a bullet comes flying out. That move could easily kill me, but I have to protect my son. Henry. Oh God. Where is he? Is he hiding in the closet like I told him too? He already came out. God, where did he go? The unsub lets go of the gun. She kicks me back. That move surprised me. I shake off the surprise and look to where she is. She's going to where Henry should be. I run into the room and charge straight for her. Pulling her back I throw her into the wall…_

Sliding down to the ground she pulled her knees up. Leaning back onto the wall JJ thought about that day. She can hear Will moving about in their room. Trying to stifle her sobs, even more than she was now. The tears, hot and streaming down her cheeks and into her lap. She's not making any noise now at all. JJ thinks, '_I'm an FBI agent. I protect the community. I protect so many people. But I couldn't even protect my child. My own child. My own flesh and blood reminder that I'm alive. The human _I_ made._' JJ crawls into her child's room not bothering to get up. Looking over to his bed, seeing that he is still there. That's all she needs right now. That comfort of knowing he's safe. She sits there in his doorframe watching him. Until, eventually she falls asleep.

~~~{ The Criminally Minded }~~~

Will rolled around placing his arm on the other side of the bed. Not feeling his wife there surprised him, and soon he became panicked. She was always there. She wasn't an early bird and she loved to sleep in. Especially on days she didn't need to get up. Looking to the clock he saw it was 6:57 a.m. Getting out of bed he hurriedly walked around the house checking the bathrooms, the kitchen, the laundry room, then finally coming upon his wife slumped in the door frame of his son's room. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and she had tearstains from what he assumed was crying. He knelt down, picking her up bridal style, led them back to their room. Setting her down on the bed under the covers he could only guess what she was crying about. Hearing his son asking for his parents from the other room he left. Off to go take care of his son for now and the start of a busy day. He was worried for JJ, but he couldn't think about that now.

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**Thank you for reading. I will try to update soon. Suggestions are welcome and I will go over them. Who knows something you say might be put in the story! Review Please!**


	2. Screams and Worries

**Thank you to all who commented, subscribed, favorited, read and what not. I really appreciate it. Glad you liked the first chapter so much!**

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"Please. Please don't do it! Please! No, just… just. Kill me. You can't kill him. He's not even four. He hasn't lived yet. He needs to live. I… kill me. Please," She begged the person. The person with a gun. The person who had that gun digging into her only son's temple. Her three-year-old son. JJ couldn't bear living without her child. The child she spent agonizing unbearable pain for. "I can't live without him. Please. Let's talk. Why are you doing this?" Asking the unsub questions. Taking the unsub away from what was really happening. Maybe it would work. Distraction. So maybe. Just maybe she could get Henry away from that _monster_.

"Mommy." She heard Henry plead. He was crying. So hard. He was scared out of his mind. So, so scared. When he said that his voice broke. Motherly instinct took over. She parted her eyes away from the unsub onto Henry. His face. His eyes. His expression. Pain. Sadness. And most of all, fear.

Quickly thinking, she noted the situation. Where everything was placed at this moment. Just outside the closet doors stood the unsub with Henry in her arms. The gun positioned in her hand firmly holding it to her son's head. The bat on the other side of the room. It was too risky to try to retrieve it. No other weapons. No opportunities. Stupidness. She was completely stupid.

The blow she had received to her stomach had shocked JJ. She was sitting on the floor for a few seconds too much. She had gotten up, realizing where the unsub went and saw that the unsub picked the gun up off the floor, retrieved the bullets, and now was picking Henry up off the closet floor. And now here she is. Trying to figure a way out of this situation.

Where was Rossi? He should be here by now. Maybe he called backup and is waiting for them. No. He wasn't that stupid. To let me come in here with the unsub and a toddler. He would've come in as soon as possible.

"Izzie, head hurts. Pwease stop doing that. It hurts." Henry had said. Izzie. Her name was Izzie. Knowing an unsub's name was a lot better than not knowing it at all.

"Izzie. Let him go. Don't shoot. Pick me. Choose me. Kill me. I'm begging you. It would be more satisfying if you killed me, I promise."

"You know what," Izzie began as she moved the gun from Henry's head. "that's very convincing. I will take it into consideration," Izzie paused weighing her options. Kill the boy, make the cops suffer, then go to a federal prison. Or, kill the agent, a slow suffering filled death, possibly escape, make all three suffer. To Izzie, obviously killing JJ was more appealing, but with killing the boy she would kill the whole family. Either their souls or they might resort to suicide. Turning the gun back to the boy's head she pulled the trigger. He was killed instantly.

"NO! HENRY! NO! WHY? NO!" JJ sunk to the floor. Sobbing. "Henry!"

~~~{ The Criminally Minded }~~~

Taking a bite of his pancake he looked to his boy. Eating quietly with syrup all over his face and in his hair. He chuckled. His son was adorable. Then screaming. Screaming that made his blood run cold and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Running to their bedroom, faster than he's ever ran before he saw JJ violently thrashing around in their bed. Screaming Henry's name. Over and over again. "JJ! JJ! JENNIFER!" He yelled hopefully over top of his wife's yells. Shaking her awake she saw him look up into his eyes seeing them go into recognition that it was him, and that Henry was safe and it was just a dream calmed her tremendously.

"Henry. She killed Henry." JJ brokenly reported. Sobbing even more she pulled Will closer to her. Hugging her tightly he stroked her hair whispering quietly in her ear that it was all right. Everyone was okay. Henry's safe. Will reminded his wife this endlessly for at least a few minutes. JJ stopped shaking and calmed down even more.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." JJ quietly said

"Shhh. You have nothing to be sorry about. It was a nightmare JJ. You can't control your dreams." Will had predicted the reason JJ was camped outside Henry's room was because of what happened, but he hadn't predicted that it would be this deep. He obviously didn't know how much that event had affected her.

JJ pushed him up and got out of their bed. She walked over to the mirror looking in it seeing her reflection. A headache started to settle in her head. Walking to Will she pulled her arms around him and kissed him. "I love you."

"I love you to Jen." he replied.

He watched as she let go and stalked her way over to the bathroom. Hearing the water start running he went back into the kitchen seeing Henry contently eating his breakfast.

~~~{ The Criminally Minded }~~~

Running the water JJ stripped her clothes off. Leaving them in a pile in the middle of the bathroom floor she stepped in the shower. Feeling the hot droplets trickle down her body she slowly collapsed. Thinking about the last few days, she was really glad she had finally said yes to Will. He had been so supportive especially lately. He confessed while on their honeymoon that he _was _glad she was back at the FBI instead of the pentagon. Because if she was still with those people that day could've gone even worse. Even though Henry and Will were safe and fine she still felt something she hasn't in a long time. She felt unsafe. Her gun on her hip made her feel safe. Knowing that Will had a gun on his hip made her feel like he was safe. Knowing Henry was taken care of made her feel like he was safe. Everyone was safe until that day. Crying again she realized she'd been in the shower close to five minutes. Her normal routine in the shower took six, seven minutes tops. Quickly standing up and doing everything she needed to faster than she normally does, she was out of the shower in nine minuets.

Wrapping a towel around her she walked into their bedroom. Picking some work out leggings, a camisole, underwear and a bra she laid the towel down. Seeing movement out of the corner of her eye she reacted quicker than she expected twirling around getting her gun that lay on her dresser and pointing the gun towards the movement, finger on the trigger. "JJ. It's just me." Will slowly said. Lowering the gun, taking the clip out and placing it on the dresser again she squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. Walking over to his wife he slowly engulfed her in a big hug. Forcing the thought that his wife stood naked in his arms to the back of his mind he just focused on her. Her breathing. She was trembling, but despite that she pushed him away.

"Please, please don't do that. I'm- just go. Please. I'll be out in a minute." She wouldn't look into his eyes. She felt ashamed that she did that to him. To her own husband. She thought her husband was going to try to harm her family.

"Jen," lifting her chin up with his finger he spoke, "look at me please," slowly her eyes trailed upwards meeting his. "Jennifer. I love you. I understand why you did that. I'm sorry I frightened you. I'll make myself known next time. But please, talk to me. I know you're hurting. I can see it in your eyes the way you move. Gosh, Jennifer. I carried you this morning from Henry's doorframe to our bed, and I think I have a pretty good idea why you were there. I'm here for you. I love you. Just talk to me. Please. Tell me what exactly you're feeling."

There it was. One of the many things she fell in love with when she fell in love with him. His charm. The way he could talk to make her open up to anything he asked. But this time she remained stubborn. "I'm fine. Really. I'm sorry I reacted like that." Again she wouldn't look at him. Turning back to her clothes slipping on her underwear then fastening her bra she left will stood there worried out of his mind about the love of his life. As she brushed past him he still stood there stunned. Quickly turning, he reached out and was going to grab his wife's wrist to stop her but quickly pulled his hand back and up to his mouth, clenched. Sighing. He turned to the glock that lay on the dresser. Picking it and the clip up he put it in the safe. Sighing again he shut his eyes tightly wondering exactly what his wife was feeling.

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**Well there you go! Now, honestly I have never owned or held a gun before so I don't know if what I'm saying is completely accurate. **

**Also it will get better! This story is kind of depressing and it will be that way for a while but it will get better!**

**And, I'm having sort of writer's block with this story, so suggestions of where to go now would be tremendously helpful!**

**Have a good day, night, afternoon, morning! Whatever fits you're situation for the moment. Until next time...**


	3. Help

**Hey guys. Thank you for the subscriptions and what not! Here's the next chapter which focuses on the team and JJ.**

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Waking up to her alarm clock going off JJ rolled over and slapped her hand down on it. It had been a month since she had been to work. A month since anyone from the team had been to work.

Being with the team the day of the bank robbery/shooting Strauss could see that the team needed some time off. She gave them a month hoping that was long enough after everything that had been happening.

JJ had been on her honeymoon with Will for three weeks, and then a week home so she could recuperate. Will was on paid leave for now. The P.D. needed to hire a new partner for him and they didn't want to risk Will being on his own. JJ was grateful for that. For knowing that there was someone who was going to be protecting him and he protecting someone else.

Reid had dedicated a week and a half to his godson Henry while Henry's parents were away. Then for the other 19 days was spent in Los Vegas with his mother.

Hotch had spent his whole time with Jack and Beth. They went camping, and ice-skating at the local arena. Beth _had_ slept over once in the fort Jack and Hotch made and was with them most of the day for the whole duration of the team's hiatus. Jack really seemed to like Beth, and Hotch was very glad. He could tell he still missed his mom, but Jack was getting better now, as was he.

Garcia had Henry at her house for a week and a half after Reid had him. They played together, spent some time with Jack, Beth and Hotch, and Garcia even tried to teach Henry how to use the computer, albeit he didn't understand it one bit. They made forts and pretty much everything Henry asked to do. They went shopping multiple times, which had made JJ very angry since Henry came home with about a hundred new clothes to wear.

Morgan went back to Chicago for half of his break and spent time with his family. He went to the cemetery a couple of times while he was there, managing not to get arrested this time. The other half had been to help Emily pack things so she could move to Europe. He was sad to see her go, but happy that she was listening to what her heart was telling her to do.

Rossi pretty much disappeared for the whole thing. No one heard from him and he wasn't seen by anyone.

Emily spent her time packing things and selling things she wouldn't need in Europe on

E-bay and Craigslist. Buying a penthouse flat there and putting her flat in Quantico on the market was just one of the many things she was doing. She wasn't going to leave for a few months but packing some stuff she wanted in Europe that she could go without using was helpful.

Finally getting out of bed JJ stalked over to the bathroom to take a shower. Putting on clothes and getting ready for work she was eventually ready to leave the house. Walking into their bedroom she kissed Will's forehead. Walking into Henry's room she kissed him too. "Bye buddy. I'll see you tonight." she whispered. Leaving the house to go to work for the first time in weeks she got in the car and started driving.

Thinking about the day ahead she wondered 'What's going to happen? I hope we don't get a case. I'm excited to see everyone but… Oh, God what if they notice?! What if they notice the things I'm starting to notice. No. No that won't happen. Will hasn't noticed, and if Will hasn't noticed no one will. Right? No one will notice that I've lost weight. No one will notice the bags under my eyes. No one will notice. I'll just go to my desk and start working on those reports. It'll be fine.' JJ had calmed herself down somewhat, but as soon as she parked her car in the FBI parking lot her heart rate elevated again.

Walking in she noticed she was twenty minutes early, and she was the first one here. She walked straight for her desk and starting working on paperwork. Five minutes later after hearing footsteps she looked up to meet the eyes of Hotch. "Hey, JJ. How was your honeymoon?"

"It was good thank you. How was spending time with Jack?"

"It hasn't happened in a while that I get to spend days with him, and I felt so glad that we got that time."

"Yah. It sounds nice." JJ then went back to her paperwork as Hotch walked up to his office. Everyone came in one by one and caught up. JJ was so glad because it seemed like no one noticed. They all went to lunch together and then went back to work. The whole day all anyone was doing was paperwork. Strauss had promised another full week with no cases. Just old ones that needed words to be written down on a page. At three P.M. everyone sat quietly at their desks reading until all their heads shot up watching as the blonde agent jumped up and ran through the bullpen straight for the bathrooms, clutching her hand over her mouth. All the male agents looked to Prentiss who in return got up and quickly walked to where their friend had gone. They were left wondering what had just happened.

Violently spilling everything in her stomach into the bowl beneath her head she felt hands clasp her hair and rub her back. Heaving again, more gunk came out of her mouth. Reaching up and flushing the toilet she leaned back so her back was on the stall wall. Looking up at Emily who gave her toilet paper she wiped her mouth off. JJ looked drained. Emily sat with her back to the wall as well until JJ spoke up. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"It's alright. What's going on? You have the strongest stomach on this team. What's up?"

"Nothing." the stubborn blonde returned.

"JJ. I can tell something's wrong you're my best friend," hearing the door open Emily peered out of the stall seeing Penelope walk in. "Hey Pen." Emily said assuming that Derek had told her what happened. Penelope sat down just outside the stall looking at JJ.

"Oh, sweetheart! What's wrong? What made you throw up?" Penelope asked voicing her concern for her friend.

Looking down at her hands JJ decided the stubbornness wouldn't get her anywhere. They would find out either way. "I-," she began. "I was reading a file. A little boy around Henry's age had been held hostage. His," her voice broke, "his mother was there watching the whole thing. He was shot in the head and killed instantly." JJ started crying and it dawned on both the girls why JJ was so upset. She almost lost her son, and JJ''s situation was very close to that. JJ could have had Henry taken away from her, like that woman had her son.

"JJ." Penelope slowly said leaning in to hug her. But before she had a chance to wrap her arms around JJ she stood up.

"Please, don't do that. I'm fine. I'll be okay." JJ got out of the stall and walked out the door before either woman could say anything. Penelope and Emily just stared at each other.

"What just happened?" Emily asked.

"I don't know but we aren't dropping this." They got up and left the restroom and went to JJ's desk where she was furiously working on a file. All the boys were staring at her.

"Come on." Emily said as she put her hand on JJ's and lifted her up out of her chair. It alarmed Emily how easily her hand fit all the way around JJ's upper arm.

"Let's go." Penelope joined. They dragged their complaining friend to an interrogation room.

"You're not getting away that easily. Tell us what's going on." Emily spoke. Firmly, but not too firm. She was just trying to get her point across.

JJ gave in, but what she didn't know is that she wasn't just talking to her two best friends. There were eyes on her through the one-way glass. The whole rest of the team was listening to her too. "It's been tough. Getting through. My husband was shot. My son in a way held hostage. In my own home. I'm just nervous for us. Okay?"

"Alright." Emily told her. Penelope gave her a big hug.

"I love you." Penelope told her. JJ responded with a smile. The only thing was that what JJ told them wasn't completely the truth. She wasn't nervous for her family, she was terrified. It wasn't tough, it was straining. Taking all of the energy she had left. She was falling apart. But none of them really truly saw it. They saw Jennifer Jareau, someone who was nervous but pulling through. The real person was Jennifer Jareau, someone who was just a shell of her normal life. Terrified, breaking, broken. Drained of any energy at all. Not herself. Someone who didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time. Someone who would pull her gun out at the slightest noise. Someone who wouldn't eat, and always had an empty stomach, because how could she let her guard down? How could she relax enough to eat a meal when at any second her family could be attacked in some way? Someone who wasn't their former self. Someone who was tearing apart inside. But no one knew it at all. Except for one person. Jennifer Jareau.

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**So, guys I'm really at a place of writer's block! Any suggestions at all? Please? Suggestions, reviews, P.M.'s. All will get me going faster!**


	4. Rooftop Remembrances

**I got a review from someone who kept my muse going and what was held in that review happens in here, so shout out to that person and, THANK YOU! I honestly had no idea what to do!**

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"… And you'll always be my baby star." She recited out of memory. Leaning down and kissing his forehead, she spoke, "I love you Henry."

"Love you too Mommy. Goodnight."

"Night." She told him as she turned off the light. Watching him she slowly shut his door and walked back into the living room with Will. He had a beer, and offered a drink to JJ. "No." JJ shook her head at him as she sat down.

"Law and Order: SVU." Will told her referring to what was on the TV. JJ nodded her head slowly.

After about fifteen minutes of watching the TV, with JJ actually watching about a minute, and Will ten he turned it off. Will had been watching JJ. He saw how out of it she was. Her mind was clearly elsewhere. Seeing JJ's questioning look after turning it off Will spoke. "I, uh… I got a phone call today. From Emily."

Looking down into her lap JJ started playing with her hands. She always did that when she was nervous or uncomfortable.

He recognized that his wife wasn't going to say anything. "JJ. You need to talk to me. I'm here. I get what you're going through. I am too. You need to tell me the whole story. I know what you told Emily and Penelope isn't completely true."

A tear escaped her eye. Quickly trying to cover it up was useless. Will had seen it. "I- I'm sorry. I-" JJ's voice cracked. She didn't know how to continue. How could she continue? "I-" she sighed. "You were shot. Twice. I- I'm afraid to touch it. I'm afraid to tell you all this because that day showed me you can easily slip away from me. And I don't want you to be worried about me, or scared for me if… if something happens. I, I feel responsible for what happened. Henry was left alone because of me. I, you went in there because I didn't explain all that could happen if you didn't. I didn't get into that building after it exploded fast enough. If I had, you might not have gotten almost blown up alongside Emily. I should've fought harder against Derek, Emily, and Hotch. I- I'm just so sorry!"

Tears had fallen down her face faster than a thunderstorm. It broke Will's heart to hear his wife talking like this. So saddened, and upset. But what caught him off guard was the fact that she was blaming herself. He so wanted to butt in and say it wasn't he fault, that it was his, but this might be the only time she is willing to talk.

A sob escaped her mouth, and then she began talking again. "I'm so scared, Will. I'm scared that something's going to happen to you and I'll be all alone with Henry, and I can't take care of him all by myself! It's really hard already! Or I might loose Henry and you. Every second with every noise, I'm afraid it's someone trying to harm us. That's why I pulled my gun on you the other day."

Pulling JJ to him as she cried across his chest, he stroked her hair, saying calming words to her. Once she calmed down a bit, he pulled her up, and made sure she was looking into his eyes. "None of that was your fault JJ. You left Henry with them, a safe mother, and I made it unsafe. I took Henry into our house and left him with Izzie," the name made JJ cringe but she kept listening, "I went in there all by myself. I wasn't thinking clearly. I should've taken more precautions. You were unconscious for three seconds before waking up after the blast. You couldn't have controlled that. I should've been smarter, and I am so, so sorry for scaring you the way I did." Will knew that there needed to be more talk between them about this but he decided they needed to go to bed. JJ had to be to work at eight, and that meant her getting up at six-thirty. "Come on honey," He said as he stood up. "Let's get ready for bed."

JJ took the hand that was offered to her and stood up as well following him into their room. Both of them stripping to their underwear, Will watched JJ. Of course he looked at her with desire, as she had no bra on, he couldn't focus on that. She wasn't ready to give herself to him after only a month after the event that rocked their world. Thinking to himself, but more to his manhood, he calmed it down, literally. Slipping into bed next to JJ, he kissed her before closing his eyes and falling into a dreamless sleep.

~~~{ The Criminally Minded }~~~

She didn't fall asleep. It was one in the morning before she finally got up and did something. She needed to calm herself down. She was worried something was wrong with Will and Henry. Looking into both rooms where they were she knew they were fine. Deciding she needed to go where she could calm down most, she left the house thinking she'd only be gone an hour, at most.

~~~{ The Criminally Minded }~~~

It was three in the morning. His wife wasn't in bed, watching TV, or in Henry's doorframe, which is where he would usually find her. Thinking of all the places she could have gone, he ruled out places that involve a car or traveling because the car was there, and the alarm was last messed with at nine thirty, which is when he armed the house. Making sure she wasn't anywhere in the house at all he decided to look in one more place before saying she was missing. She had told him a long time ago that after her sister died; at night when she couldn't sleep she would sneak out through her bedroom window and sit on the little pop out just looking at the stars. It was the perfect temperature out there at that time of night. She also told him that she got crazy one night and was totally naked once. And, that was the last time she did it because she accidentally flashed their neighbor without knowing, then the next morning his mom came and told on her. And, as it turns out that was the boy she dated in high school.

Climbing on the roof he found her, staring out, looking at the city. She was totally naked, but no one but him could see her. Making himself known so she wouldn't be scared, he walked up and looked at her body. Starting at her feet up to her thighs and one of his favorite parts of her body, up to the toned stomach she worked so hard for.

Eyes traveling up her body, she felt him looking at her. "I… I wanted to feel free again. And, I needed to calm down. I'm sorry." Pulling her clothes back on she walked up to the edge looking over. "I love this time of night. Actually, five in the morning is much better, but I couldn't wait four more hours staring at the ceiling.

Seeing his wife naked was not something new, but what was new was the feeling that he could see her bones easier. 'Is she not eating?' he asked himself trying to remember the last time she did eat. He couldn't remember before their last meal at that fancy restaurant on their honeymoon. That was two weeks ago. He remembered little snacks like blueberries and chips every so often, but no real meals.

"You haven't been eating." He stated as he stood looking over the city with her.

Bowing her head, looking at her hands on the concrete barrier so people wouldn't fall off, she sighed. Of course he would notice eventually. "Took you long enough." she joked, but Will's stone face with eyes that so obviously held concern took it seriously. Leading her back to the stairs that lead to their house, they slipped in and went directly to the kitchen where Will made JJ a meal he would force her to eat. He never forced her to do anything, this would be the first time, but it was a good force.


	5. What If?

**Sorry for the late posting! I couldn't figure out how I wanted to play this chapter, but I got it figured out.**

**Also, I am putting this on all my fics. I start school again the day after Labor day (US and Canada) That's September 4th that I start. So, the spacing for chapters might be a little while. Just a warning!**

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JJ could feel strong, masculine, but also comforting hands pull back her hair as once again, she threw up in the porcelain bowl. His thumb rubbing circles into her back. Finally, after what seemed like hours hunched over the bowl, spilling her insides out into it, JJ leaned back and rested on the wall. Closing her eyes, she could feel the warm washcloth at her lips, wiping away the rest of the throw up. "You feeling better?" Will asked her.

"Kind of. It's just the morning that's tough. The rest of the day is fine."

"I know. Come on. Let me wash your hair, you've got gunk in it. Then you can get ready for work." Will pulled JJ up and helped her sit in the tub. He rinsed her hair, and then massaged it as he washed it. About an hour later, JJ was ready to go to work.

"Love you." She told him.

"I love you too." He leaned in and kissed her.

"I love you three!" Henry excitedly said. He ran out the door into JJ's arms.

"Bye little man! Be good at preschool!"

Will and Henry waved to JJ as she drove off. Everyday for the past week she'd been throwing up. She hated it. She hated to throw up. She decided to call her doctor once she got into work. About an hour and a half later, after the phone call was made, JJ went to tell Hotch that she was leaving for a doctor's appointment. Who knew that they could squeeze her in today?

JJ sat there in the waiting room of her doctor's office. Her doctor was Dr. Kendelyn Thomas. She was her gynecologist. JJ's period had also been a week and a half late. JJ just hoped she wasn't pregnant again. She wanted more children, but not right now. Not after what happened.

"Jennifer." Her doctor said, standing in the doorway.

JJ stood up, "Hey Kendelyn." She smiled. JJ and Dr. Thomas had been friends since high school, and JJ wouldn't go anywhere else, especially not a male doctor. She didn't want any guys looking at her besides Will. Stepping on the scale, it read 115.6 lbs. And her height was five foot-six. Getting into the exam room, they talked about what JJ was experiencing, while the doctor took JJ's vitals.

Sitting down, Dr. Thomas began, "Well, we can do a blood test today, just to make sure if you'd like, and also you need to schedule a yearly. I know it's uncomfortable, but it's that time of the year. And, you may not be pregnant. There are plenty of reasons to skip a period, or be late. It's totally normal. And, also there are plenty of reasons to be throwing up in the morning, but fine in the afternoon. Okay?"

JJ nodded her head. "Alright. So, you said you could do the blood work today?"

"Yep. I'll go get the things to do it."

JJ had the blood work done, and had also scheduled a yearly physical for the following Monday, which she'd also get the news that day. If she was pregnant or not.

Walking into their house later that day, JJ saw Will watching T.V. "Hey, can we talk?" JJ asked.

"Of course. Come here." Will said as he turned off the T.V.

"I went to my doctor's today, and had some blood work done. I'm going to find out the results on Monday, but I thought I'd let you know. I might be pregnant again."

Will was silent. "Will?" JJ asked, now very concerned.

"I might be a daddy again?" He asked quietly again.

JJ nodded her head, and Will wrapped her in a big hug. Pulling back, he looked at her. she had been still and rigid as a board when he had hugged her. "You don't look too excited. What's wrong? You almost look scared."

"I just… I don't know if I want another baby yet. I mean, if I can't protect Henry already, and I know you can protect yourself plenty, but if I can't protect you somewhat, how will I be able to protect another person? I mean already, there's you guys and the whole country, with my job, so I should be able to for one more person, but… I just don't know what to do."

"JJ. You need to stop beating yourself up about this. I know you don't believe me when I say this, but you do protect Henry. Okay? That day, you protected him so much! He might not be here, I might not be here if you didn't get there when you did. Okay? You have bruises that are fading away slowly from protecting him. You did protect him. You fought for him. Don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you different. You're amazing, Jen. He's okay now."

"I know. You keep telling me that. But, somehow it doesn't fully register. I mean, I believe it for a while, but then bang! Something makes me not believe it. I mean, if anything were to happen to you, or Henry, or this possible baby, I don't know what I'd do. It'd kill me."

"I know. And, that's partly why I love you so much! You put everything into helping others. And, if anything happened to this possible baby, I know you'd do anything you could. It's all right. If you are pregnant, it's all right. We won't let anything happen."

"I love you so much!" JJ said as she wrapped him in a hug once again.

"I love you too. But, I have a question. Can I come? On Monday, can I come?"

JJ thought carefully about this. What she was having done was embarrassing enough, but with Will there, it made it even more embarrassing. "Yah. Yah, you can come. As long as you understand what's going to happen."

"Okay." Will looked and sounded confused.

"I'm having my yearly exam done as well."

"It's okay baby. I want to be there. I'll be fine. You'll be fine."

"Okay." JJ smiled. Maybe this won't be as bad as she thought.

Monday morning rolled around, and JJ and Will headed towards the office where all this would be done. They waited in the lounge area, and waited for their name to be called. Finally it was, and JJ sat up on the exam table. Dr. Thomas walked in then, smiling. "Hello, Jennifer. William, how are you?"

"I'm good, thank you." Will said.

"Okay," Dr. Thomas began, "I don't have the results yet, I'm supposed to get them at the end of you're appointment, so you won't be walking out of here without an answer, but you just have to wait. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So, why don't we get your exam done and over with, so you can know what's up. And, if you aren't pregnant, we will know why you are late, and why you've been sick every morning."

JJ smiled, then the doctor left JJ and Will alone for a bit so JJ could change. "Why does everything in medicine have to be so awkward, and hurt?" JJ spoke aloud as she tried to figure out which way the gown went. Opening in the back, or front? Who knew?

Will just laughed as he looked at his adorable wife. He could tell she was uncomfortable, and nervous. She just wanted the results and to get out of there.

Finally after getting situated Dr. Thomas walked in. "Ready?" She asked JJ. As JJ nodded the doctor washed her hands then put on some gloves. "Just lie back, and put your feet in the stirrups. Take a couple of deep breaths and relax. It'll be over in a little bit. Get your heart rate down, and I'll begin." JJ complied, and Will reached over to hold JJ's hand. The doctor sat down, and pulled the sheet up, to JJ's knees, resting it there. "Okay, Jennifer, you're just going to feel my hands on your thighs." As the doctor did her exam, JJ stared at Will the entire time. When he noticed this he smiled to her. The doctor picked up the speculum, telling JJ that it was going to be inserted. A grimace crossed JJ's face as it slid in and Will gave JJ's hand a tight squeeze. He was uncomfortable watching, but he would be here for JJ as long as she needed, and he really wanted to know if he was a father a second time, or not, the moment JJ did. Her face went back to normal, and Will mouthed to her, 'I love you.' She mouthed the same back.

JJ fell a little bit more in love with him everyday, and everyday, it surprised her how it happened. She thought she already loved him so much, and how could she love him even more? But, it happened.

The doctor's hands every once in a while moved out of the confines of the sheet that was draped over JJ's waist, to reach for another instrument that had to do with the exam. After a little while, Dr. Thomas warned that she would be taking the speculum out and that it might be a little uncomfortable, but if there was any pain and she wanted her to stop, to just tell her. It eased out and the doctor disappeared out the door to give JJ privacy while she changed, and to get the results of the previous test.

"Are you okay JJ? You looked in pain somewhat during that." Will asked. He knew it was uncomfortable, and he didn't want anyone looking at him 'down there', especially not that thoroughly, but he was worried it hurt a lot.

"I'm okay. It's just a little painful when she's putting in, and taking out the speculum. I'm alright though." JJ said as she pulled on her pants, then her shirt.

"Okay." Will said. JJ moved over to the table and hopped up again, this time Will joining her and sitting on it as well. About five minutes later the doctor walked back in with a manila folder in hand presumably, with a paper inside telling them what was happening.

"Okay, so from what I saw and felt, you're perfectly healthy. The samples I took will further confirm, or deny that though. You may have some bleeding, but that's perfectly normal, but, to be safe, nothing going in there for the next 24 hours, okay? Do you understand?"

"Yes." JJ said. Her breath was hitched slightly, and Will knew that was from nerves. He didn't know what her reaction would be. Would she be happy, or sad if she were pregnant? Happy or sad if she weren't pregnant?

"Okay. I have your results, I haven't looked at them yet, so we'll all find out together." She opened the envelope, and pulled out the paper. Reading it, then looking up to the people who were so desperately waiting, she spoke. "Okay, Jennifer. You are…

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**OOh! Cliffhanger! But, tell me what you think! Pregnant or not? My next chapter will be based off the reviews! So, what do you think? Yes or no?**


	6. I'm a Mom First

**So, I know this is really short, it's what I could come up with.**

**Also, sorry about the space between chapters! More hopefully coming soon.**

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JJ lay in the middle of her bed. She stared at the ceiling, her arms crossed around her stomach. She had never been interested in the ceiling until now. She felt sick. 'I can't believe this happened.' JJ thought.

There was a dip in the bed, and in JJ's sluggish brain, she thought she had possibly heard her name being said.

She wiped the clouds in her brain away again, and heard once again her name.

"Jennifer?" Will said carefully. He didn't want to startle her, and he was wondering what was going on inside her head.

"Yah?" She asked. Her eyes hadn't moved from their position, actually, nothing moved except for her mouth. "What do you want Will?"

"Are you alright?" he asked. He knew the news they had received earlier had struck hard on her, and he was worried about her.

"Fine," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

Her voice was quiet and distracted. Out of it. She was just hearing the words, not the meaning behind them. Her mind was definitely somewhere else, and that else was this thing inside her.

"I'm worried about you. You've been in here for four hours, and haven't come out. You haven't even moved since when you first came in here."

"Your point?"

"Are you going to get up? Live your life with this? Take care of Henry? Take care of yourself, and essentially this… baby?"

"Of course I am."

"You need to take care of yourself. Go to work. Did you even tell Hotch that you weren't going to be coming in? You're an agent, Jen."

"Yes, but I'm a mom first."

_I sat staring out the window. I tried to distract my mind. With anything. Street signs, license plate states, counting pedestrians. But, no matter what, the whole time, my mind was brought back to Will and Henry. Both could either be dead, or injured. But ultimately, in danger. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a bad feeling. And, there's something on my shoulders, that's weighing me down. Making me slower. My fingertips are tingling, and overall, I feel horrible. Rossi is driving fast, and although, I'm happy about that, I feel like I'm going to throw up. But, there's no way I dare ask him to slow down. He's bringing us closer to Henry. Closer to my only son. The person I would do absolutely anything for if it were good for him. _

_"Don't do that," he had said._

_"What?" I responded. My mind was somewhere else, but I could just hear him over the roar of the tires, and my worrying mind._

_"Go all quiet."_

_"What am I supposed to do?" Really? What was I supposed to do? My baby is in danger, my husband might be dead. No words I say at the moment can change that. _

_"Yell." He offered. Yell. Yell what? About what?_

_"I can't," I say. I can't yell. My voice is going, and all I can do is think about them. I'm now staring out the windshield, but still, I can't focus on anything. _

_"You can't blame yourself."_

_"You wanna bet?" Sure I can blame myself. It's my fault Henry is with an unsub right now. My fault that he might be scared out of his mind right now. "I should've never left Henry today." And it's completely true. I shouldn't have._

_"You were doing your job." He insists. _

_My job. "I'm a mom."_

_"And a federal agent."_

_"I'm a mom first!" There's no way he can convince me otherwise. I should never have left him alone._

_"Who had no way of possibly knowing how this day would go." He reasons. He's right. But, I won't stop blaming myself. Ever._

"JJ? JJ talk to me," Will shouted to her. She had completely zoned out during the conversation. "Jennifer."

"Wha-What?"

"Where did you go, beautiful?" There was a pure look of concern in his eyes.

"Sorry. I- just. Never mind."

"Are you ready to have another child?"

Which ever JJ said, she would probably regret later, so, she just said the truth. "No."

Panic, anger, sadness, and a lot more washed over Will. He was scared too. What if she decided she _really_ didn't want to have another child? Then what would she do?

"I don't want another child Will. Not now. Not so close after everything. I know that sounds hostile, and non-womanly, but, I really don't."

"I understand," he said after a little while.

JJ bit her lip, and carefully and slowly said, "Are you angry with me?"

Will carefully chose his words, "I'd like another child JJ. But, I understand if you don't. I'm not angry, but I'm also not… pleased. I guess that would be the word. You look exhausted. Go to sleep. We'll talk about this later. And, I'll call Hotch. Tell them you won't be in. But, I won't say anything."

JJ just nodded. As Will left, tears cascaded down her cheeks. 'Will's mad at he. He's really mad.' JJ thought. She sobbed quietly, and after two hours, had successfully cried herself to sleep.

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**Thoughts? I know it was short, but... Any suggestions, are gladly welcomed! Let me know what you think.**


	7. Elephant

JJ had been on auto pilot all week. Going to work, writing out reports - everything she was meant to do. At home at night she played with Henry, helped make dinner, then did her usual night ritual - bath time with Henry, reading to him until he fell asleep, then going to bed herself. No talk about anything. Just casual conversations like there wasn't an elephant in the room. Nothing was different, no way. The team was getting suspicious about why JJ had suddenly locked herself away at her desk, under mounds and mounds of paperwork. No fun chit-chat that she was involved in, she was always there before anyone else in the morning, and last to go home. Will was worried. She'd never been like this before and she always would make an excuse to do something when Will started talking about it. She came home later, worked harder. The only thing that didn't change about her was her love for Henry. Everything concerning Henry stayed the same. JJ's belly grew bigger everyday and they just constantly tried to ignore it. Nothing was different, no way. Her weight increased each day. But nothing was different, no way. With her being so petite she started showing earlier and the team started to notice.

One month turned into two, then two and a half. Three, then three and a half.

Will had taken JJ into their bedroom one day and had them both lie down. He started talking and after her first excuse, and her tenth, each time when she tried to get up, he pulled her back down and kept talking about what they were going to do.

They had another baby together, and it was time to stop ignoring it.

After a more one sided conversation, with Will being the dominant hand, he decided it was enough for today. "I'm going to go start dinner," JJ responded.

"Alright. I'll be in in a little bit, I'm just going to take a shower."

They got up and went their separate ways with Will left worrying about JJ. All through his shower, he worried. Getting out then dressed, he made his way to the kitchen. "JJ!" He said loudly when he was nearing the doorway. "JJ?" He asked again when he got no answer. Slowly walking to the kitchen, he called out, "Jennifer."

A gut wrenchingly painful scream emitted from from the kitchen just as Will rounded the corner. JJ lay on the floor with her back being supported by the cabinets. Her hands and arms were tightly clenched against her stomach. Eyes squeezed shut against the pain. Body rigid as the pain flowed through her.

Running to get the phone off the receiver, he dialed 911 then knelt next to JJ, soothing her as he talked to the operator. He thanked Heaven that Henry was out of the house, and prayed that JJ and this baby were going to be alright.

Finally he calmed down some when the paramedics burst open the door to help his wife, and their baby.

The only thing that fazed him was when JJ's eyes fluttered shut, and her body went slack.

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**I'm so sorry for the amount of time it took to update this! School started, and I've got a lot on my plate this year, but I hope to update soon! I think I'm only going to be able to update on the weekends also because of school.**

**But, please let me know what you think of this chapter. Reviews do make me work faster! **

**Until next time...**


	8. Flashes

**Spoilers for The Big Game (2x14), Revelations (2x15), The Performer (5x07)**

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Flashes. In, out, in, out. Bright lights. Noises, sounds, voices. Pain. Unimaginable pain. Slow. Unconnected. Nothing makes sense. Confused. Flashes. In, out, in, out. Fighting and struggling and guns. Shovels. Dogs. Dogs. There. Behind me.

The growl and the smell. Darkness. The beam won't cover the whole area. I can't see the whole barn. Where is Reid and how many dogs are in here? Where are they? Where are the dogs? Another growl. Behind me! Where is it? There. Back to the left. I feel my breathing hitch. It starts to spring forward. Running at me. Me. Bang, and it's down. Down on the bloody ground. Bang! Bang! Bang! They're just laying there. Four of them. They had surrounded me. Tears cascade down my cheeks as I back up into a little area. Gun raised, and trigger ready to be pulled. Kneeling down. Where is Reid?

Voices. Voices from people. People - multiple. How long have I been in here? Bones are frozen, muscles, oh God, they're in here. The people are in the barn. I pulled myself up magically, and proceded to get a sound out of my mouth. "FBI!"

It stings. So, so bad. These fucking dogs. Why'd they have to do that? Why would anyone make them do that? I tossed the wet rag aside, and rest my hands on top of the edge of the sink. Closing my eyes and drawing my head up to align with the mirror, I slowly open them. Letting out a sigh I hear something. A growl. From one of those dogs. It's behind me. Heart rate elevates, eyes go wide, pupils dilate tremendously. Where's my gun? Where's my gun?! Where is anyone else? Please come help me. Where is my gun? There. I feel it under my palm. The smooth metal. My gun.

"You need to kill her. Your last one. Your last one. Come on! Take it. Take it take it take it. Beautiful." What? What is this pain in my head? Why does it hurt? I draw my hand up to my head where the throbbing comes from. Recoiling back for I find that it hurts more with my hand on my head, I immediately recall what's just happened. Gina. Blood. Man. Shovel. Head. Blackness. I've got to get up. This is our unsub. I've got to get up. I've got to get up. Where's my gun? I need my gun. There it is. 'Get up! Come on Jennifer! Get up.'

I stumbled over to where they were standing and swing my arm up. It comes down, my glock connecting with his head. He drops, and so does Gina. My vision is blurry. Black? Black dots in my eyesight? They're floating? "Don't... Don't m-move." I order her. She still crawls toward him. "Hey!" She's not listening. She doesn't hear.

But I do. "JJ!"

"JJ?"

"I'm back here!" Then Emily and Rossi come next to me.

Flashes. In, out, in...out. In...out...in...out...

Will ran next to the gurney, holding his wife's hand. They whisked her away from him and left him standing in the middle of the quiet E.R.

An hour later, a doctor came out through the doors and shattered Will's heart.

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**Hello glorious readers. I'd really like to know what you think about this chapter, because, if you haven't written flashbacks before, you can ask anyone who has, and they'll tell you, they are hard to write! So hard, and I don't think I can really successfully pull it off yet.**

**So, please tell me what you think! Also, what happened?! Is JJ hurt, or the baby, or both? I'm kinda going back and forth between these three and would like to know what you think should happen. I love suggestions, and I eat them up like chocolate chip cookies with the chocolate chips still melting because they're still warm. **

**See you soon with another chapter!**


	9. Disappear

"The baby was badly injured, we don't know exactly how, but we can tell you that the baby won't survive. I'm sorry. Now Jennifer can take the baby as far along in her pregnancy as possible before she miscarries, or, you have the other option to terminate the pregnancy right away. I know this is difficult, and you definitely have time to talk with Jennifer about it. She's back in room 412. She may be sleeping but you can be in there as long as you want if you do not disturb her," The doctor spoke.

Will just nodded his head. "Thanks," he said and pushed past the doctor to his wife's room.

She had dark circles around her eyes and her brow was furrowed. But, she was still asleep. She was dreaming Will concluded and she was probably having horrible nightmares. He knew that face. He softly rubbed her forehead smoothing out the worried wrinkles like he always did when she had nightmares. Tears jogged down his cheeks onto the pale blue sheets. "I'm so sorry, JJ. I'm so sorry."

She had been in so much pain at the house. So much pain. The look of terror in her eyes and the sound of her broken screams scared him. She was never like that. She was Jennifer Jareau, one of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit's finest. She didn't get scared and she didn't scream if training had taught her anything. But she was in so much pain. He had thought she was miscarrying right then and there. The blood was still on his hands, blood he failed to notice. When had she been bleeding. Was it from him? No, it had to be from her. There was probably a big pool of blood on the floor at home. Oh, his JJ.

"I'm so sorry." His body began shaking. He clutched at her hand with the one not on her forehead, knuckles going white. "I'm so sorry." This would break her. He knew she wasn't so happy about it in the first place but over time she had started to get really, really excited and so so happy about it. Knowing she would definitely loose this baby would surely break her. Will knew that he had lost her before with all her flashbacks and everything, but this...

He wished this never happened. Why did this have to happen? Why? Why?

His grip on her hand was strong. Really strong, but he didn't care. His fingertips felt tingly and he knew it wasn't from the grip. It was from the sadness. It felt weird but right at the same time. He was going to loose his little baby.

He moved the hand up to her stomach where the baby was. He could feel it inside her. He knew it was impossible, but he thought he could feel the outline. His thumb rubbed over her stomach softly. "I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry this happened. It's gonna be okay. I love you. I love you baby."

He stood up, and gently picked up his sleeping wife moving her to the other side of the bed so he could get on it too. He set her down and sat at the bottom of the bed leaning over so his mouth could rest on her stomach. He kissed it before saying, "I love you. I'll always love you." He then got up and laid down along side her, his hand resting in hers on top of her belly. He moved his face so he was practically kissing her temple. "It's gonna be okay JJ. I promise."

Tears stained her cheeks from Will.

She gently woke up looking around before seeing Will by her side. She obviously stirred enough for Will to wake and he slowly lifted his head, sad eyes looking into hers.

She remembered immediately.

The baby. The baby. "W- what happened Will?" she timidly asked. She didn't know if she wanted to know. She didn't want anything to happen. What if... what if...

"JJ," he whispered.

She broke down at that. Sobs shook her body and she started punching Will's chest when he tried to hug her. He tried to sooth her. It was no use. "NO!" she screamed. She tried to get out of his grasp, and it was tough for him. She was strong, and her punches hurt like hell, but he needed to try to comfort her. He needed to be a comfort. "Will," she brokenly sobbed, "let me go. Please. Let me go." He loosened his arms around her, enough for her to wiggle her way out. She began tearing off the IV and other lines that connected to her body. Will couldn't say anything but watch his wife struggle. His stomach dropped and he seriously thought he was going to throw up. He hated seeing her upset. Absolutely hated it.

She got off of the bed as fast as she could causing the lines connected to her chest that measured her heart- rate to fly off and it made the machine flatline. He watched as she fell for her legs weren't strong enough to take her whole body. He got ahold of himself, rushing to the other side of the bed where she lay on the ground, arms supporting her. He knelt down as three nurses and her doctor ran in the room in thoughts that she had died. They heard the sobs and looked to where Will and JJ were. "Will," she cried. "Will!"

"It's okay JJ. It's alright. It's all gonna be alright," he said as he pulled her up and into his lap. "It's okay." The doctors excused themselves and he pulled her up and helped her into the bed. She was still crying by the time he had finished with what happened and was going to happen. He kissed her eyelids and could taste salty tears.

"JJ. We're gonna get through this. I promise. I'm right here. I'm right here."

She was still crying but she nodded. She already knew what she wanted to do, and Will knew that, but he wasn't going to ask. She needed to come to terms with what she decided before telling him.

Will crawled back onto the bed with her whispering to her, soothing her. A nurse had come in at this time and put the IV and such back in and JJ fell asleep to more nightmares. Nightmares about loosing her baby once and for all. Will didn't sleep. He was too scared that he had finally lost her. She was going to disappear if he didn't try to help her through this. She already was.


End file.
